She is in my trunk
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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