I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
