If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
