it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
