He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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