I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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