Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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