I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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