Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
