Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
