I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
