When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
