I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Who died my cat blue again?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
