She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
