Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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