It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
