Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
They have beer where we have blood.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
