i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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