let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
