I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize