Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
