just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
