I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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