her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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