i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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