I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You need a sexual gate keeper
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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