I love black thongs
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
