in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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