found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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