my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If I die, sorry about rent.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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