Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
