I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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