I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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