somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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