Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
