your thong is hanging out like whoa
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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