Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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