Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
