this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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