I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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