Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
