My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
