I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
