the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
