Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
