After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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