Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
