I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
