you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
