I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
