the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
