there's paper in my vomit.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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