He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
