so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
