took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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