mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize