I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
