the condom got lost in my hair
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
