dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
