The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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