I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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