We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
