My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Randomize
