Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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