Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
